Six Days and After

I had a dream

2010-03-25T20:32:00.001-07:00

About three or four years ago, I had a dream. A beautiful dream. A dream of a little baby girl in my arms. I distinctly remember the feel of her soft skin as I stroked her cheek and the sight of her head full of soft, dark hair. I stared at her in awe, knowing she was a blend of her daddy and me. What a heavenly feeling as I held her, filling what had so long been my empty arms.

Then I woke up. Realized it was a dream. Felt IMMENSE pain. I sobbed. A lot. No baby. Just a cold, dark room full of dreams. Shortly thereafter I wrote a poem called "Sweet Baby." I wrote it for the baby girl that only existed in that little bit of heaven as I slept.

Mike video taped me reading that poem just weeks before giving birth to our little Alexis Faith. It took a long time to record it...not because the poem was that lengthy, but because I couldn't stop crying. I think we maybe had five or more takes before I could finally get the words out. Maybe I'll post it for you to see someday.

So before, I had a dream.

But now, I have a little girl... sweeter than the sweetest dream.

Little Miss Sunshine

2010-02-26T13:23:00.000-08:00

What fun we are having with our happy baby girl! She has recently started smiling a LOT now as you can see! And yes, we are aware that she has a mohawk. :)

The Birth Story: Part 2

2010-01-26T18:24:00.000-08:00

(Got a few minutes? This is a long one!)

It was only minutes before Mike joined me in the operating room, but it felt like hours...

There were so many emotions coming toward me during this time....it all felt somewhat like a dream.

A dream that we have had for a very long time.

I realized how quickly things are beginning to move around me. There was already so much action amongst the doctors and nurses, and the surgery had not even begun yet.

It was time to lie back on the table now. Let me tell you, I realized then how large I really was as I was trying to center myself on a table that seemed to be a foot wide. Not an easy task.

The anesthesiologist began testing the effectiveness of the spinal. He rubbed a cold swab on my legs first. I could feel the swab, but not the coldness. He continued that test to see how far upward the anesthetic was going. He decided to raise the head of the table a bit. How strange that I could feel all the swabs...hmmm... hoping the spinal's doing its job!

More action around me. My arms were being velcroed to the boards stemming from the table. Trays of tools were being wheeled up toward us. I really tried not to look at those!

Wonder if I can still move my feet. I tried, but it felt like it was definitely in slow motion...such a strange feeeling. At that point, I decided not to try anymore, so I wouldn't freak myself out!

The curtain was up, blocking my view of the surgery. I knew they had begun prepping me.

Did I just hear someone welcome Mike into the room? I tried to look toward the doorway, but there were too many nurses to see around.

Then I saw him...nothing can describe how great that was. We were together. He had on the mask, and the full OR outfit. Although I couldn't see much of his face, I knew that he was smiling. He sat down on the stool next to me and said, "This is it, babes."

A woozey and lightheaded feeling was hitting me big time. And they hadn' t even started surgery yet. Or so I thought.

"Will they be starting soon?" I asked one of the anesthesiology assistants who was standing near my head.

"Oh, they've started alright. You're open right now, sweetie," she told me with a laugh. I was glad to know that we were that much closer than what I realized.

A minor drawback of being awake for surgery--there was a lot I was trying to ignore so I wouldn't feel worse. But the smell of flesh or skin burning was about more than I could ignore.

Just breathe, Jenn....soon....she's coming soon...

"It'll be just a minute now," she told us.

Mike and I looked at each other again, in total and sheer excitement. He was holding the video camera up high, but not high enough to catch the surgery itself.

So much tugging and pulling, then pushing up high on my ribs.

I was waiting...waiting to hear the words. Any minute now...

***************************************************
Months ago, when we found out we were pregnant again, we asked people to pray for two specific things. The first was obviously for a healthy pregnancy this time. And the second... the second was for Mike and I to be together this time in the operating room, so we could hear our baby's first sweet little cry together.

Thank you, God. Both dreams were coming true...
***************************************************

I heard it right then. The most beautiful sound that ever reached my ears.... the sweet sound of a strong cry from our baby girl.

I didn't have to look up at Mike to know that we were both crying at that moment. So much to go through to get here, but this moment was worth it all.

I heard some aww-ing from some of the nearby nurses. I saw other nurses standing by the baby's bed, waiting for her.

Then I saw her...just a glimpse, but still I saw her. Saw a little foot sticking above the arm of the nurse carrying her to the bed. A glimpse of some chubby little legs. And dark hair? Did I see that? We knew she would have lots of dark hair!

Then I saw something equally as amazing... I saw Mike being a daddy. He was standing beside her with the video camera, soaking in his little girl.

More tears....that's what I had waited for for years....not to just be a Mommy myself, but to also get to see Mike be the Daddy that I know he's been longing to be. And here he is with her now... such a proud Daddy already, touching her and bending down to talk to her.

"Will they bring her over to me?" I asked.

"Yep, they'll wrap her and bring her over to ya here soon."

I couldn't wait. Couldn't wait to see her little face up close.

I was still trying to ignore the extreme light-headedness I was feeling.

The assistant told me, "Your blood pressure dropped pretty low, so we're giving you tons of fluids... and you'll feel much better once they put your insides back in..."

What?? Did I just hear that? Oh, no details please.

Just then I looked up to see Mike holding her, all wrapped and snug in his arms. Then he looked up and stepped toward me. I quickly asked the assistant if I could have one arm freed so I could touch her.

He lowered her down. Then I felt the softest little cheek next to mine. Heard some soft cries, and saw the cutest, chubbiest little face. I touched her soft skin and through my tears, I said the words that I had been waiting to say--

"Hey Baby Girl, I'm your Mama."

Mike had to leave then as they were finishing surgery and cleaning me up.

Everything still was happening so quickly. Soon they were done, and it was time for them to move me from the table back to the bed waiting nearby.

"You'll get to hold her as we take you both to recover in your room."

"I'm afraid I'll drop her...I feel like I can't move most of my body right now."

"No...we'll have her tucked in good with you. She won't go anywhere."

They brought her over and laid her in my arms.

Such a moment right there that I'll always remember. The moment where the years of waiting were no more. The exact moment where the past two years of loss and heartache turned to nothing but total joy. All washed away by our little dark-haired angel that I was holding in my arms. Tears just flowed quietly.

They wheeled us back to our room, and I knew what we would find there... Mike holding the video camera, welcoming his wife and daughter.

The nurses left, then it was the three of us. Mike and I just took in everything about her, and just held her tight. We were all smiles.

"She's here, babes...she's finally here," he said.

I just whispered back with a smile, "Yes, yes she is..."

Alexis Faith, we have eagerly waited for you with such perseverance. And even before we had the comfort of holding you, we trusted our Heavenly Father that He would lead us to this day. And now little girl, here you are...

Safe... in our arms.

"For we were saved in this hope. But hope that is seen is not hope. For why does one still hope for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with perseverance." (Romans 8:24-25)

Happy New Beginnings!

2010-01-01T10:23:00.003-08:00

Alexis Faith

December 22, 2009

Born 37 weeks

8 pounds, 13 ounces

21 inches

Our Best Christmas Gift Ever!!

(Read below for Birth Story: Part I)

The Birth Story (Part I)

2010-01-01T06:34:00.000-08:00

Last week, our lives changed forever...

The amnio from Monday did show our baby's lungs to be mature. We were then told to call in the next morning at 5:30 am to find out the open time for a c-section that day. We were so excited that night before, I don't think we slept a wink. We got to the hospital about 7 am, for my surgery scheduled for 9 am. Again, so eager, nervous, excited...knowing we'd be meeting our baby girl that day!

Our ride to the hospital was still in darkness, as it was so early. I couldn't help but remember an early morning two years ago, when we drove the same route, at the same time, for very different reasons. We drove then to say goodbye....now we were going to meet someone for the first time!

We got to labor and delivery, this time in all smiles. So many false labor trips and scary runs to the same department these past months, and now we were celebrating that we made it. I not only made it to my third trimester...but also made it to something that seemed like a luxury to me...a scheduled, planned surgery date.

Sinking in... we made it....thank you, God!

Remember that sidenote prayer request I mentioned before? The one how Mike and I dreamed to be in the OR together this time? We found out it was going to be a last minute decision that morning after the anesthesiologist met me and assessed my scholiosis. We were mentally prepared for that to go either way. He looked at my back, and said it would probably take more than one attempt for the spinal...he guessed five attempts to possibly find the right spot. FIVE attempts at sticking a giant needle into my spine?? Not the best news, but we were very relieved he was going to at least try.

Surgeon came in as well as the resident, introduced themselves, checked out my previous incision. Did the ultrasound to check location of placenta, etc...

We were getting closer...

They left and the nurse started the IV fluids. I was so excited, I could hardly stand it! She said the doctor was almost ready for me.

The anesthesiologist and a couple assistants came in to walk me down to the OR. Said goodbye and kissed Mike...hoping I'd see him in a few minutes.

The doctor took my arm and we made our way down the long hall toward the OR. Straight ahead at the end of the hall were the double doors which led to the NICU... a walk Mike and I took many times from where I stood.

Full circle.

I think I mentioned that in a previous post. Everyone says this must be so bittersweet for us. It's not, really. It's a feeling of every sorrow coming back around and ending in joy for us... a full circle of events.

We walked into the OR. I saw the window in the room the nurses used to hand Tyler into the NICU. More tears tried to come.... Come on, Jenn....surgery hasn't even started yet! Hold 'em back... Soo wished Mike was in there.

Time to try the spinal. Please, God, let this work. I sat up on the table, leaned forward...well as forward as possible with the giant beach ball of a belly I had. The anesthesiologist was pinching vertebraes to find the right placement. Little pinch from the shot used to numb the area.

Now time for the spinal.

Lean forward more, more...

More pinching.

Spinal needle going in. Sooo cold in that room. Stop shaking, Jenn! He's got to get this...

Done! He said he was sure he got the right spot. A few seconds, then tingling began in my toes.

They said Mike would be in soon!!

Ohhh, sweet relief! Thank you, Heavenly Father. The first part of our dream is coming true right now....

We would see our Baby Girl for the first time together.

(Part II coming shortly!)

Never Forgotten, Little Man

2009-12-26T23:10:00.000-08:00

Two years ago tonight,

this was the sunset the day Tyler passed away.

We love you so much, Tyler!

Always... Your Mommy and Daddy

Anticipation

2009-12-21T21:09:00.000-08:00

Baby Girl,

You are our long-awaited miracle, a dream come true. How I have cherished your every movement, your every stretch and kick. Expecting you was a miracle in itself for me. Every ultrasound, every sound of your heartbeat captivated your Daddy and I and filled us with joy.

Every moment on bedrest, every trip to the hospital, every single contraction has been so worth it to see your sweet face. Do you know that friends and family prayed you here? To my 37th week I was never sure I'd see....the week we get to welcome you into our open arms. We cannot imagine how amazing that moment will be. Seeing you, touching you, hearing your first cry. So many treasured moments lie ahead that we have only dreamed about.

You are living proof that in all things, God has a plan. We couldn't have timed it any better. This week, we remembered losing your brother. But at the same time we anticipate the arrival of you. Thank you for being our joy that came after our sorrow.

A little gift from heaven, you are. We've prayed for you for years. And now we are just in awe that you will soon be here!! We are already soooo pround of you, Baby Girl, and can't wait to begin our lives with you!

Loving you so much already!!

We'll see you soon!

Mommy and Daddy

To all of you~ We found out that due to my scoliosis, I may not get to have a spinal/epidural. If that's the case, then I will have general anesthesia, which means Mike will not be in the OR with me. That has really been one of our dreams, to meet this baby at the same time. Please pray that as long as it's safe for her and me, that it will work out! Thanks so much for carrying us through with your prayers! Will update soon!! :)

Who Inspiires Me, You Ask?

2009-12-20T19:59:00.000-08:00

Well, I'll tell ya. Ever since finding out about needing an amnio, I've been VERY nervous about it. Just because I am soooooo not a needles person. I've gotten so many blood tests and shots over the past years, and I have NEVER once looked at that needle! So the thought of an amnio needle piercing my belly and uterus just does not sound like a fun time.

So knowing that my amnio is in the morning, I have very much been anxious tonight just thinking about it. I know God has brought us this far, but still...I am human and yes, things like this scare me. (I know some Christians believe that Christians should never have fear, but I don't believe that....it's what you do with that fear that matters. Do you hold onto it, or let it go to the One that can take care of it.)

Anyway, so tonight I frankly had that "I'm gonna crap my pants" feeling just thinking about this amnio. Stupid and silly I know. Mike was talking with me and had just said a prayer for us that all would go well this week, then what happened right on cue?? Got a text from my sis Missy. Here's what it said--

"I'm praying for the Lord to fill your heart with so much peace! I KNOW you will do fine. I love you!"

Even before tonight I have thought many times about the MANY appointments, procedures and so-not-fun events she had to walk though...and she did it BRAVELY with no whining and complaining.

So this stupid little needle thing I'm doing tomorrow is really a walk in the park. If she can so bravely venture into transplants, chemo treatments, and appointments holding unknown news, then I can surely just get a grip and gather up a fraction of the courage she has.

That's a sister for ya...or better yet, that's MY sister for ya. SO thankful for both of them!

Happy 2nd Birthday, Tyler Michael

2009-12-20T09:45:00.001-08:00

Tonight after Mike and I got home from visiting his parents, I asked him what time it was. "12:13," he said. Then he rounded the corner to come back toward me in the living room, and he silently just took my hand. This was the exact minute of Tyler's 2nd birthday. We were already standing right there, in front of his picture on the wall. We both said a few words to him, wishing him a happy 2nd birthday and telling him we missed him.

Missing him will never stop. Soon after we lost him, we prayed something. We felt like we were never going to get away from that sick, drowning in sorrow feeling when we thought of him. So we prayed that we'd be able to remember him with joy and smiles and not just pure heartache. It took a while, but we've slowly been able to do that.

Every little memory will be with us forever, and although our hearts still ache as we miss him, our hearts smile at the same time as our memeories walk us through those six days.

We are still just so thankful for our time with him and thankful for the healing that God has brough us these past two years.

And I can't help but think that just maybe...by our baby girl coming the same week that he did, that it's the extra measure of healing and grace that God planned for us all along.

Tyler~ Happy 2nd birthday, Baby Boy. Our hearts ache for you to be here home with us, but we know that truly...you are Home. We will tell your baby sister about you, and we'll never forget you. Thank you for being the first one to make us a proud Mommy and Daddy.

Forever Loving You~ Daddy, Mommy and Your Baby Sister

Be looking soon for my 37 week post and possibly the last post before little girl's arrival!

Days of December

2009-12-06T01:00:00.000-08:00

Remember this ornament? Some of you may remember that this was an ornament given to us in memory of Tyler, the week that he was born and passed away, two years ago now.

A year ago to the day, I wrote a post that was also entitled "The Days of December." Oh, how much can change within a year. So much in December still takes us quickly back to memories of Tyler. The sight of twinkling Christmas lights and softly falling snow...and the sounds of Christmas music filling the air. In the past couple years, those things met us with deep sorrow as Christmas week was the time of both Tyler's birth and passing. Then later, they came on waves of sadness that were mixed with joy as we remembered those six days spent with our sweet son. And now, these December days...every chill in the air and every reminder of Christmas bring something different.

Mike and I always knew that if we were blessed with any future children, we would talk each year about Tyler as we hung up his ornament. We knew that was one way we could keep his memory alive in our family. Just this week, as we were hanging up that special ornament, we told this baby about her older brother. We told her how we love them both so much. So now it's a time of the memeories of Tyler merging with the complete joy of anticipating the arrival of our little girl.

And more news we have found out... We found out that her scheduled arrival will be the week of Christmas. Timing could not be any sweeter than that. And this is just one of many examples of the bond shared between this baby and her brother. Tyler's birthday falls on Sunday, December 20th. Sometime that week, they will schedule an amnio, then my C-Section, just days after Tyler's birthday. It is also an awesome reminder of a promise Mike and I have held onto for years now...that "sorrow may last for a day, but joy will come in the morning." We have both found ourselves in tears, just picturing that day we get to see her, face to face. Oh, what a sweet day that will be!

So let me tell you...whatever your sorrow, whatever your pain. Hold on, my friends. It may take years to get there, enduring circumstances we may never understand, but please believe one thing that God can do for you...

Your complete joy will come again someday.

We are living examples of that!

"...weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5

What?? 35 Weeks?!!!

2009-12-05T22:47:00.000-08:00

Wow, how these weeks have flown by! LOTS to update you on, so get ready!! And now...I am 35 weeks! As always, with every weekly milestone, I am SO happy to be here with our baby girl! We thank God for each new day that we are given with our baby girl!

We just celebrated wonderful news at Thanksgiving... that I was 34 weeks, AND also that my sister received awesome news that week. She first found out that she was finally matched with TWO donors-- the cord blood of two babies. How thankful we are those parents decided to donate that. Also, she found out the results of her PET scan showed BOTH the size and activity of her cancer to have decreased. That is the first time ever that both decreased. Yes, lots to be thankful for that week!

Lately my days are either quite relaxed while I am just lying back and loving every moment. Her movements have changed from those brief flutters to later feeling quick flips and quick slides across my belly, to now....they are mostly just slow glides of her feet that I can literally see go across my belly. I also love to imagine what she will look like. Now, if I am not kicked back and relaxed enjoying those moments, I am probably feeling crunch time coming on... feeling the hectic craziness of everything that I need to do yet...that "running around like a chicken with it's head cut off" feeling. And it would be a very pregnant chicken running around. How's that for a visual of me right now, huh?

I found out the other day that just as I have been, Mike has also been picturing her to have lots of dark hair. At our recent ultrasound this week, the ultrasound tech pointed out the many tips of hair you could see encircling her entire head. It'll be so fun to actually see her and not just imagine her looks! We also had a growth scan on the baby that day. Through ultrasound, they measure the circumference of her head and belly, and the lengths of her humerus and femur. It gives an estimate of her weight. We were expecting her to be slightly above average as she has been, but I'm guessing this girl really enjoyed Thanksgiving dinner! Mike guessed her to be 5 pounds, 14 ounces; I guessed her to be an even six pounds. She is actually pushing 7 pounds already at 35 weeks! Poor girl....already has people tracking her weight for her.

No fat jokes about her, please. ;)

I do have to say I am happy to be having a C-Section!

And MORE Good News!!

2009-11-25T15:27:00.000-08:00

My sis just posted even MORE good news on her blog today! I won't even try to summarize it...she does the best job! All I can say is "Thank You, God!!!"

This will be my family's best Thanksgiving yet...

My Sister's Update

2009-11-24T12:14:00.001-08:00

Please read my sister's blog here for an awesome update about her!

And THANK YOU for your prayers!!!

My Sister Melissa

2009-11-21T13:09:00.001-08:00

Many of you are also following my sister Melissa's story. She has been undergoing treatments for her Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma since her diagnosis in March of 2008. She underwent a stem cell transplant last winter using her own stem cells, which was unsuccessful. She is currently waiting to be matched with a stem cell donor. In the meantime, she has recently been receiving a couple rounds of a chemo regimen not tried yet.

This is why I'm posting this.

Today, there will be no announcing from me about my pregnancy week, and no baby updates. I'd like for us all to focus our thoughts and prayers toward her right now.

This Tuesday, at 8:45 am, she will be having a PET scan. It is so important for the results to show that this chemo is improving her condition. If it does, then she will be able to return to New York City to continue treatment with her new doctor there. If it does not show improvement, I am not sure of the available options at that point.

I can't say this enough, as I'm sure many of you cannot either... Please pray for a miracle for her. She wants a long life with her family...her precious little ones...and they need her as well. We all need her, and want that for her.

We are standing firm in believing that God can do this for her. Please join us now as we pray specifically for this upcoming scan. Will update next week, but sometimes it takes a day or so for the scan to be read by the doctor.

Thanks MORE than words from all of us!

Her Sister, Jenn

Melissa holding her cute little visitor, Josiah.

And now....

2009-11-15T13:11:00.000-08:00

We are 32 weeks along!! I remember the days of just dreaming of being in this week. Thank you, God for bringing us here! Each and every week is such a milestone and a celebration, and will be until we are holding our little girl safely in our arms!

This week I am especially grateful for the many people who have offered to loan me baby supplies. Just this week, a couple friends passed on a load of stuff that will really help us to have when the baby comes. THANK YOU!!!

And there is my beautiful sister Melissa who passed on literally an entire wardrobe for the baby. You would never believe that they were already worn by her two little girls! Miss just took such immaculate care of them, which is such a bonus. Thank you, awesome sister!

So my next goal now is 34 weeks. It still helps me to break it up like that. I still have contractions every day, some seeming a bit stronger than what I've had. We would appreciate your continued prayers that they stay at bay, while the baby stays put as long as possible!

Thank you SO much, as always!!!

Jenn, Mike, and Baby Girl

31 Weeks and a Few Thoughts...

2009-11-08T22:52:00.000-08:00

First off, I apologize for not posting sooner! I know there are many of you who communicate your prayers to me as you follow our story, and I so appreciate that! Although I've had contractions every day since about 17 weeks, I've noticed them a bit more often than usual lately. Because of that, I've had to try to lay low as much as possible. Good news is that Mike recently brought our laptop home now that his football season is over at school, so I should be able to update more often now.

I am SO happy to be 31 weeks now!! I am still loving every minute of it! What used to feel like little kicks and flutters has now turned into roll and slide movements from one side of my belly to the other. I felt her stretch the other day, with her hands jabbing one side, and her feet nearly poking out of the other side. (It helps me identify which end is which when she has the hiccups.) Yesterday, she was moving so forcefully that Mike and I saw something little stick out of my belly about an inch or so, slide across, and repeating. We actually thought that was a little freaky, like something from the "Alien" movie! We are enjoying it all!

Some of you have asked about my due date. I'm due January 9th. It will be a c-section since I had one before. Please pray that I can make it to that time without any complications from contractions, etc... Another prayer request is about a dream Mike and I have had...to get to be in the operating room together, with me awake, and meet our little girl together for that first time. We would really appreciate your prayers for those two thingn.

We are really getting excited just thinking about meeting her, and we are just so thankful to be where we are now. God has really shown us a lot through all this, and I look forward to sharing that with you as we go along.

One of those things is actually something I learned soon after we lost Tyler. I would hear some people say that they are so blessed, as they seemed to have everything going right in their lives. (Not specific people, just in general.) Which gave me the question, "Am I not blessed? And those like me who have lost a child or are struggling..are we all just forgotten or overlooked?" But the truth really is that we are all blessed no matter what is going on in our lives. Sometimes, the clouds grow thick and cause those blessings to be more difficult to see, but they are still there.

I learned then that true thankfullness for life's blessings should happen no matter how discouraging our circumstances are. It doesn't mean it is easy to recognize or that we need to smile as we go through hard times. I just believe that God loves us each the same, and not one person is more lavishly blessed than another. Our blessings and our circumstances may just be different from what we hoped or expected. I just can't imagine that God has tiered levels where he places us to receive varying amounts of goodness. The goodness is always there...He just has to open our eyes enough to see the big picture.

Mike and I realized at our son's funeral that we were so blessed to have him, if even for six days. Were we smiling and happy to be at the funeral? No way! I remember feeling as though I was totally drowning in sorrow. But still, we knew our time with him would forever be a blessing.

So again now with our baby girl, we say we are soo thankful for the blessing that she is too. Sooooo thankful more than words can say!

We are also thankful for you for following our story, and for your prayers for all of us!

(This post is where I first talked about this idea of "Thankfullness, In All Times." I have a feeling it will explain these thoughts a lot more clearly.)

Guess What??

2009-10-17T08:59:00.000-07:00

Today I'm exactly 28 weeks! Whooo-hoooo!!!!

That means 90% chance survival rate, and less than 20% chance that anything would be wrong with her if she would be born right now. (Which she won't be!)

Many of you knew that 28 weeks was the next milestone that I've been shooting for, so I am SOOOO thankful to be here!

This also means that for the first time ever, I am now in the THIRD TRIMESTER of pregnancy! LOVE it!

Mike and I have really loved feeling her move late at night lately. Actually, forget feeling, we can see her move and roll just by watching my belly. We are amazed at how active and on-the-move she is when she's awake. Last night, I laughed and said I thought she might have "restless leg syndrome." :) Or maybe Daddy's ADHD. (He does't really have that, although I've diagnosed him with it! ;)

So here's to the THIRD TRIMESTER!! Thanks for your prayers and to God for getting us this far. We would appreciate your prayers for continued safety for both this baby and myself. Ideas are also being tossed around about how and when the next c-section should be scheduled. There are a lot of factors that go into it, so we would also really appreciate prayers for that as well!

Thanks and love to all!

(Love this song, by the way...can you hear it? Although she will never be "the only one." Tyler will always be a part of our family too.)

Our Baby Girl

2009-09-30T15:11:00.000-07:00

I am so happy to get to share this picture with all of you! Words can't even describe how amazing it is to see her on the screen during the ultrasounds. Yesterday, Mike and I just held hands and laughed as we watched her wiggle and squirm in 4-D during the appointment. She has already brought us SO much joy, and we thank God every day for that!

And I have to give a big thank you to our friend Jen, who is also my sister Melissa's neighbor, who so kindly and creatively designed the above picture. Thank you, Jen!

This Moment

2009-09-23T21:50:00.000-07:00

I have been savoring the many precious moments I have had so far with this Baby Girl of mine. From the moment I found about I was expecting her, to the unforgettable moments we shared the joy of that news with our family and friends. Then the moments of the pregnancy becoming real...feeling the nausea and the extra tiredness; yes, I even treasure those moments. Then the AMAZING times of feeling her move and kick so early at 14 weeks, followed by that exciting moment where we watched the ultrasound screen to see if we were having another son or a daughter.

And we found out it was you, Baby Girl. And we've been calling you by name since...

Soon following were the down moments as well, trips to the hospital due to hyperemisis and contractions; but even in that there was still the good. Hearing her amazingly strong heartbeat on the monitor that sounded like a horse galloping through the hospital room. It was worth the trip for me just to hear that.

And then recently, there was the follow-up appointment to check on what-appeared to have been my premature shortening cervix. During that appt, a friend of mine held my hand and I know she was silently praying with me for good news while we waited.

And good news we got that day. All was well- Thank you, God.

But right now, this is such a special moment as I type this for a completely different reason.

Last pregnancy, our precious baby boy Tyler was born while I was 24 weeks and 5 days pregnant, at 12:13 am.

I started writing this as I am 24 weeks, 5 days pregnant, at 12:14 am.

I have prayed for this moment.

Right now, with each passing second, minute and hour, I am further along than I have ever been...and I expect to keep treading these new waters in my pregancy in the next weeks and months.

I am in a place in my pregnancy where I have never been before, and I am SO happy to be here.

SO happy for this moment...

And so thankful to the God who has brought me here.

"Dear Lord, thank you for this moment. Please continue to protect this little girl of mine and keep her safe inside of me. Protect my body until it is safe for her to join us, and live a healthy life with us. Tell Tyler we love him. Amen."

Good news!

2009-09-20T19:28:00.000-07:00

Sorry this update has taken me so long to post! I don't do much sitting up these days, and Mike needs the laptop at school for football during the week...

Anyway! I was so anxious for that appointment...had NO idea what news I might hear. Before checking measurements, the ultrasoumd tech checked the baby out first. She looked SOOO cute, and I have the sweetest 4-D ultrasoumd picture of her little face. That part was very emotional for me!

Then the ultrasound tech checked measurements, and all checked out fine after all!! Thank you, thank you, thank you, God!!! Can't tell you how relieved I was to hear that. That relief will not even compare to the relief I will feel when Baby Girl is safely here though!

So, I'm officially 24 weeks now! My next goal is to get to 28 weeks. Please help to pray us there!

Thank you so much for your prayers, thoughts, and support!!!

Please Pray

2009-09-15T11:26:00.000-07:00

We just got back from our weekly check-up. We are seen by our high-risk dr on a weekly basis with this pregnancy. They specifically measure the cervical length to make sure it is not shortening. It's been good all along, measuring right around 3.6 cm. But today it measured at 2.6 cm. We were not happy about that at all, and of course it makes these days very scary for us. The doctor wants to see us back on Friday to check the length again.

I still have random and infrequent contractions, so please pray that they stop in case they are causing my cervix to shorten.

Some of you already know this, but this is the exact week in my pregnancy with Tyler when we went into preterm labor. It is already a scary week for us, and we weren't expecting this news today. I remember when I had to go into the ER around 19 weeks due to contractions. I was wanting so badly to just be here nearing 24 weeks, and it just felt like a lifetime away. Some of you offered to specifically pray me through to that first milestone that I had set.

And now I'm here, and I am soooo thankful for that.

I would appreciate it SOOO much if you could pray that things will look good during Friday's check-up. Then my next milestone that I'm shooting for is 28 weeks. I am confident that we can get there! With God's help and with prayer, we are going to get this little girl there!

Thanks more than words for your prayers!!

Love to all,
Mike, Jenn, and Baby Girl

Our Baby GIRL

2009-08-27T19:32:00.000-07:00

That's right! A few weeks ago we found out that we are expecting a girl! We are very excited, but we really had no preference either way. We already have her named, but we'll announce that after she arrives. I LOVE the name!! I have to tell you that I have the cutest little profile pic of her that will be posted soon!

I am so happy to be almost 21 weeks now! I really hope the next few weeks fly by! I always knew being pregnant again would have its hard/scarey times as we near the point when we had preterm labor with Tyler. And of course, along with the joys, we have experienced that. I randomly have contractions, sometimes several an hour, that send us to the hospital. Although the hospital trips are tiring, we would much rather stay on the safe side. They are usually able to get the contractions quickly under control with IV fluids. Honestly, we rarely tell anyone when we are enroute to the hospitl these days, as I hate to drag everyone on the roller coaster every time.

I share that with you now for one reason...will you please join us in praying that our sweet little girl stays put for a long while yet, and does not join us until her little body is prepared to? I can't even explain how much those prayers mean to me and Mike. Considering what we've been through, it's just a scarey time for us.

With that in mind, I'm closing this post with the verse I heard on the radio soon before finding out I was pregnant. It's a verse that brings me much peace that I remind myself of again and again...

"Forget the former things; Do not dwell on the past. See? I am doing a NEW thing!"

Isaiah 43:18-19

Will You Please Try???

2009-06-13T11:18:00.000-07:00

Where do I even begin? My sister Melissa is in increasing pain from the growing tumor and lymphoma. She sounds weak when I speak to her on the phone...possibly from the pain, or the pain meds, or the lymphoma itself, or a combination of the three. She said she literally feels like she is waiting for a new heart or a new lung....that's what it is like to be dependent on the generosity of donors.

I'm not just trying to encourage you to join the National Bone Marrow Registry because it's a wonderful, humanitarian thing to do.

I'm asking you this because I don't want to lose my sister.

Out of the 7 million people in our country on the registry, only ONE appears right now to be a possible match for her. And that's not even definite yet. Her nurse just told me that yesterday.

THAT is why it's so imporant that I get tons more people to join for her sake right now.

Most people hesitate to become a donor because they think either--
a) it's painful (No pain involved--it's a simple cheek swab.)
b) it's complicated (It's 30 seconds on the internet. We easily spend 30 minutes just here on blogs or email.)

Here is the SIMPLE process:
1) Go to www.marrow.org
2) Click on "Join Registry"
3) It will ask you to agree to terms, give your name, email address, create a password, and give your mailing address.
4) They will mail you a cheek swab kit. You collect the cells and mail it back in.

Once they receive and test your sample, it AUTOMATICALLY goes into the system. Then it is immediately checked to see if it is a match. If you have any questions at all, call 1-800- Marrow2. They are very kind and helpful there. Feel free to message me too.

The registration process usually costs $50 for that initial testing, but is FREE now until June 22nd.

There will never be any other cost for you. If you are a match for my sister, her insurance will cover it.

Please take a moment to do this for my sister...
for her husband who is so in love with her...
for her 3 smaill kids who need their mommy...
for the rest of us, as her family and friends, who want nothing more but to have more years with her.

Thank you BEYOND words...

Jenn

My Sister's Appt...

2009-05-25T11:31:00.000-07:00

is tomorrow morning at 9 am at Sloan Kettering in NYC. She is getting a second opinion. Please pray the doctor there will present some more options for her!

Can't thank you enough for taking time to pray for this!

Read more here.

Ultrasound Pics- 7 weeks

2009-05-24T12:41:00.001-07:00

Here are our latest ultrasound pics! We decided to keep the continuing story of our second baby here on the same blog with Tyler's story. One led to the next, and it's the continuing story of our family. I would eventually like to change the header above, but first I have to figure out how!

This ultrasound picture was taken at 7 weeks. I swear I can almost see a profile if I look closely, but I know that's not possible yet!

By the way, for anyone having trouble seeing the baby in the ultrasound pic...the dark area in the top half of the pic is the gestational sac. The arrow is pointing at the baby itself. You can also see umbilical cord that is starting to form as it trails away to the left of the baby.

Surprisingly, we heard and saw the heartbeat at this ultrasound. I, of course, got choked up immediately, and Mike laughed with joy. I could have kept listening to that sound all day!

My due date is officially January 9th, but they will schedule me sometime in December for a c-section. This is due to my inverted-T incision, so they can't risk me going into labor again.

It still seems so surreal that I'm actually posting ultrasound pictures now! Please pray that we make it to December with this baby still safely inside me!! Thank you, God, for this gift!!

2009-05-22T10:18:00.000-07:00

You may remember this picture on my sister Melissa's blog. There's a story behind it. I didn't want to share it on her blog, as I want to keep her blog about her and not about me.

When I was in Indy for a couple months, we were walking through a "Hobby Lobby" store. They have every decoration known to man in that store. I told her that I wanted to get a sign that said the word faith on it, and I wanted to set it next to an empty picture frame in my living room. For me, it signified holding out faith for our future child, a child that would actually live here on earth with us. I really felt like I should do this. We saw this sign, and I loved it. Miss, being the kind person she is, wanted to buy it for me.

So after she went into the hospital, I took the sign in for her room. This picture of it was in her hospital room when she had her chemo and bone marrow transplant.

When I returned to PA in March, I put the sign in my living room next to the empty picture frame. Some of you may have noticed it there. I placed a small empty picture frame next to it. It stayed just like that for the next two months, then we found out that another little one was on the way.

There is not power in the sign itself, but faith the size of a mustard seed goes a long way. And encouraging sisters are priceless! I hope I have and can continue to extend that same encouragement to her!

My Sister Melissa

2009-05-12T19:23:00.000-07:00

Please pray for a miracle for her. She and Doug both need prayer for peace of heart, soul, and mind right now while their world is being turned upside-down.

www.danceintherainmelissa.blogspot.com

Please pass the word to all you know who believe in prayer! We need to stand in the gap for her now to try to beat this thing!

Remember WITH GOD ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE!!!!!

Thank you in advance, my friends!

Mother's Day

2009-05-09T07:57:00.000-07:00

As kids while growing up, Mother's Day meant giving Mom a card that Dad had picked out for us. I remember seeing Dad give Mom a box of Russell Stover chocolates. Of course, I would sneak into it and try to claim all of my favorite cream flavors. (Not surprising, huh?)

Later, especially while I was in college, Mother's Day brought a phone call home to Mom and Grandma. I'm sure at least one time in there I apologized for not getting a card out in time. Across the miles and hours apart, you really grow to appreciate your family and loved ones.

And that is true even now, as we are 10 hours apart. I appreciate them even more and am so thankful for the blessings that they are.

In the past few years, Mother's Day took on a different meaning. It brought pain and was a reminder of what Mike and I wanted so badly. It meant watching others get recognized in church and standing up all around you as the mothers were recognized during the service.

Then last year, even after Tyler had left us, I was finally a mother on my first Mother's Day. It still wasn't a happy one obviously. I vowed that morning before church that if mothers were asked to stand during the service, that I would. Not standing would mean denyng my son. Fortunately, there was never a need for that. But I celebrated my son that day.

And this Mother's Day...

I celebrate something different...something new...a new thing...

Just a few days after posting "A New Thing" below, we found out that we are expecting another baby!

From that moment of finding out, we felt so many emotions. But I can tell you how I've been holding on to that verse that I posted below. Knowing that this is a new thing has already given me so much peace...peace replacing the doubt and fear that I had been feeling before. It was amazing to see how God gave me that verse right before I found out, to start preparing me and changing my emotions.

So now, this Mother's Day, we remember Tyler...

And we look toward the future with this new Baby we have been given now. This new life growing inside of me. I am thankful for every ounce of fatigue, every bit of sickness that I am starting to feel. It has already brought us so much joy!!!!!

And so much joy to get to share our "Mother's-Day news" with you!!!

Melissa

2009-05-06T15:50:00.001-07:00

Please be praying for my sister, who has her 90 day post-BMT scan tomorrow. We celebrate that she has seen improvement over scans in the last couple months, but still, we all eagerly await the results of tomorrow's scan.

Read her words here.

Thank you!!!

A New Thing

2009-04-25T19:43:00.000-07:00

About a month ago, I had a doctor's appointment. Being back at the same hospital where I had Tyler got me thinking about some things again. I walked out of the building afterwards...the same doors where I left when I was discharged a year and a half ago... and those fears from the past crept in. What if I were to get pregnant again? Will it be a healthy pregnancy? Will I have a baby that actually lives with me this time? These thoughts ran through my mind as I walked across the parking lot.

Heavy-heartedly, I got into my car. I turned the radio on, and heard a verse being read on WGRC--

"Forget the former things;

do not dwell on the past.

See, I am doing a new thing!"

(Isaiah 43:18-19)

Oh, sweet peace in these words!

I don't usually hear things like this on a daily basis, but what great timing from my Heavenly Father to hear this when I did. Thank you, God, for that! It just confirmed the peace for me that I had already been feeling lately...that a new thing is about to happen.

"There will be a day with no more tears,

no more pain, no more fears..."

(sung by Jeremy Camp)

Another "First"

2009-04-08T20:41:00.001-07:00

This past Sunday morning during church, I could tell Mike had something on his mind. He was a little more serious-faced than usual. I asked him if something was wrong. He hesitated, shrugged, then said he would tell me later. Now, girls, any of you out there know that we cannot let that go. But I wish I had.

He leaned over to me and said, "Your due date was April 5th, right?"

I nodded.

Then I got it.

He would have been one year old this weekend had the preterm labor never happened.

I'm usually the one pretty good with rememebering dates, but this time I didn't. I tried to blink back the tears. It wasn't working. I slipped out for a minute, then came back in. Thought that did the trick, but it did not.

Why fight the tears at this point? I think people get used to see me crying.

I get flashes sometimes of the "would have been." And right then, I saw Mike holding our dark-haired, cute little boy. But then I looked over and saw Mike sitting, leaning forward, elbows on his knees, looking so sad.

You know, I've always wanted to be a mommy. I was the junior high kid that volunteered to help in the nursery, because that's how much I have always loved babies. But even stronger than that desire, is my desire to see Mike get to be a Daddy. He wants that so bad. And it would fill my heart with so much joy to someday get to see that happen for him.

The first Sunday of every other month is an annointing service. For anyone who is not familiar with this, it is not a healing service type-thing you would see on t.v. Anyone is invited to go forward for emotional, spiritual, or physical healing. The pastor stands down below the stage, annoints you with oil, and says a prayer for you. I told him why we were there...for continued healing for our loss... for the wound that never goes away, and to be blessed again with another baby someday.

After all we have been through, there is still hope. We still hope for another baby that will be healthy and live with us. People ask us if we are interested in adopting. I value the gift of adoption, but for now, it is not for us.

So, back to Sunday. After the annointing, others were praying with us up front. It's always an emotional prayer for me. Good thing the annointing is toward the end of the service, because given my puffy, "gone-into-the-ugly-cry" face, I felt better just leaving church after that.
As we were walking out, I could hear the words being sung at that point from the service. Words from a song that is hard for me to sing at times, yet freeing and releasing for me to sing as well. Mike and I both commented later how it could not have fit the moment more for us--

"You give and take away.
You give and take away.
My heart will choose to say,
Blessed be the name."

He gives and takes away. Now, nowhere in that tune is there a line that says you'll know why he takes away. I think that's way that song is hard to hear. It simply just says He gives and takes away, that's all. After what we've been through, that song can almost make me picture an unloving God that yanks things away after he dangles them like a carrot. The song makes me remember the times right after his death when we wondered why God never saved him. Why he allowed it to happen. Sometimes we struggle in wondering if God thought we would be bad parents. Yes, we know that's not true, but it's an honest thought.

But the song also reminds me of other things I've dealt with and decided through all this. Faith in God is not conditional on my circumstance. It is not dependent on whether I have the "warm fuzzies" in my heart or not.

So, my heart does still choose to say it. Because when the heart isn't automatically feelin' the good vibes in the down times, you can still make the choice to say it. You can still make the choice to believe in more than your pain.

You can still make the choice to press on, and HOPE. You can still make the choice to BELIEVE.

Because God is not done with us yet.

Trust me, this is not the end of our story.

"Be confident in this, that He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it." Phil. 1:6

Coming Home Again

2009-02-23T21:11:00.000-08:00

I will be very sad to say good-bye to my sister Missy on Wednesday morning. In fact, I'm trying to talk her into just knocking me out and putting me on a bus so we can skip the sadness. She's not okayed that plan yet...

But I will be so happy to see my awesome hubby Mike! Time and time again I am reminded just how thankful I am for him. He completely supported me as I took unpaid leave to spend the last couple months with my sister in Indiana. Not many husbands would be so unselfish to agree to that.

It seems like there are so many things that have happened in the past couple years with us that have definitely reminded me of how thankful I am for him. Turn up your volume and listen to this song. It's my song to him right now.

Some of the words...
"I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
I'm lucky we're in love in every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday..."

I'll see ya Wednesday night, babes!! I LOVE YOU!!!

One Year: Happy Birthday, Baby Ty

2008-12-17T06:37:00.000-08:00

It amazes me that this moment is here. Last year at this time, I was in extremely painful and progressed labor, then at exactly 12:13 am, our little baby Tyler Michael was born. Following his birth, we experienced the long-awaited pride of being Tyler's Mommy and Daddy. Then hit the indescribable low valley of losing a child... way too soon. At that point, we felt like time wasn't going to move on, and we were going to be in that pit of intense pain forever. We are so thankful that the joy of remembering our baby has slowly replaced that pain of knowing he's not with us. So today, I will share one of those memories that captures how we feel about our little man...

Mike read a little book to Tyler. His Aunt Melissa (my sister) gave it to him, and it's one of the best memories we have. I first attempted to read it, but I'm happy now that my tears didn't let it happen. It was a moment meant to happen between Tyler and his Daddy.

To Tyler~ We hope you felt our immeasurable love in every word of this story, in every touch, and in every word we ever spoke or whispered to you. We will love you forever, Baby Boy, our little "Nutbrown Hare."...
~Mommy and Daddy

"Guess How Much I Love You"

Little Nutbrown Hare, who was going to bed, held on tight to Big Nutbrown Hare's very long ears. He wanted to be sure that Big Nutbrown Hare was listening.

"Guess how much I love you," he said. "Oh, I don't think I could guess that," said Big Nutbrown Hare. "This much, said Little Nutbrown Hare, stretching out his arms as wide as they could go.

Big Nutbrown Hare had even longer arms. "But I love you this much," he said. Hmm, that is a lot, thought Little Nutbrown Hare. "I love you as high as I can reach," said Little Nutbrown Hare. "I love you as high as I can reach," said Big Nutbrown Hare. That is very high, thought Little Nutbrown Hare. I wish I had arms like that.

Then Little Nutbrown Hare had a good idea. He tumbled upside down and reached up the tree trunk with his feet. "I love you all the way up to my toes," he said. "And I love you all the way up to your toes," said Big Nutbrown Hare, swinging him up over his head.

"I love you as high as I can hop!" laughed Little Nutbrown Hare, bouncing up and down. "But I love you as high as I can hop," smiled Big Nutbrown Hare--and he hopped so high that his ears touched the branches above. That's good hopping, thought Little Nutbrown Hare.

I wish I could hop like that.

"I love you all the way down the lane as far as the river,"cried Little Nutbrown Hare. "I love you across the river and over the hills," said Big Nutbrown Hare. That's very far, thought Little Nutbrown Hare. He was almost too sleepy to think anymore. Then he looked beyond the thornbushes, out into the big dark night. Nothing could be further away than the sky.

"I love you right up to the moon," he said, and closed his eyes. "Oh, that's far," said Big Nutbrown Hare. "That is very, very far." Big Nutbrown Hare settled Little Nutbrown Hare into his bed of leaves. He leaned over him and kissed him good night. Then he lay down close by and whispered with a smile,

"I love you right up to the moon-- and back."

(If you would like to celebrate Tyler's birthday with us, please read the words of that story to your own child or someone you love. Squeeze them a little tighter and love them more than ever...)

Tonight...

2008-12-15T19:34:00.000-08:00

Mike and I went back to the hospital where we had Tyler. We wanted to just deliver a couple Christmas cards and trays of cookies. It was one of those things that we wanted to do, but probably dreaded at the same time. We wanted to show appreciation for the MANY awesome and caring nurses we had in labor and delivery and in the NICU there. It seemed to bring back more memories for Mike than it did for me. I'm sure that's due to the fact that most of my memories were confined to the hospital room; whereas, Mike was out and about the hospital more during those days.

The nurses were appreciative, and it was random timing, so we weren't sure which nurses or doctors we would see. Unfortunately, we did not see our "faves." Still though, I'm glad we went. I feel like each little thing like that is a moment of healing for us.

I will tell more of his story of "Six Days" sometime soon. Right now, I'm directing my heart to my sister. Please keep her in your prayers.

My Sister

2008-12-08T19:52:00.000-08:00

Please be in prayer about Missy's next oncology appt. It's this Thursday, and she will find out if the chemo is working or not. I would REALLY appreciate it!!!

The Days of December

2008-12-06T22:21:00.001-08:00

Tyler's Ornament: Given December 2007

I can't believe so much time has gone by since I've written on this blog, and even more so, I can't believe that it is December already....and nearing the one year birthday and anniversary of the passing of my baby boy. In some ways it feels like it was yesterday, and it some ways it feels like a lifetime ago.

In losing a child, you don't just grieve the time you had together, you grieve all the moments that you'll never have. That's what makes grieving a lifelong process. There will always be moments when I think "Tyler would have been here."

I have really been okay with my friends' babies, and with holding them, and being sincerely happy for them. It's the random things that get me sometimes. Like walking through Old Navy and spotting that baby blue section that I used to browse. Or being in a grocery store and hearing a baby cry from 5 aisles away...the sound almost haunts me.

And now in December, it's the crisp cold air that brings his memories back even more. It's the twinkle of a Christmas light and the smell of our woodstove that bring back that ache in my heart and remind me of what I once had.

And in case you may wonder, with his anniversary approaching...you may feel at a loss for what to do. You can do or say whatever you're comfortable with...no one needs to feel like they need magic words for me. I'm okay with people talking to me about him. I'm always okay with that. I may not always be in the mood for a question though or a "how are you dealing with things." It's nothing personal...although I enjoy talking and sharing about him, sometimes questions force you to process something that a statement does not. I appreciate though any words of remembrance, thoughts or prayers that people have offered recently. It lets me know that he has not been forgotten...as that's my fear that he will be.

There has been so much on my heart and mind that I would like to write about on here. So many moments of healing, so many things I've learned, and so many moments that I've just missed my little boy. But mostly, it's the learning to let go of the pain, and instead holding on more tightly to the joy of the moments. It's been about the moving on from the "what-if's" and the "why's" and just letting the peace of God fill those spaces instead. It's been about me choosing to believe in the dark what I had always known in the light.

I have told a lot of his story on here, but I have yet to tell the story of "Six Days." It's taken me a while, but I'd like to give a bigger glimpse of our unforgettable time with him. I know all this may feel heavy to read, but it will be from my heart...and I don't know any other way to tell it.

Missy's Chemo Week

2008-10-29T17:44:00.000-07:00

Please stay updated by going to my sister's blog. She is almost 3 days in to her 5 days of hospitalized chemotherapy.

So far no nausea, which is great! Above all, please keep praying that the chemo will be effective in kicking this cancer!

Thank you!!

PS The link above should work now! Just fixed it...

Real Faith

2008-10-25T12:45:00.000-07:00

How can you keep on believing and trusting a God after every knockout blow in life? After every piece of bad news, every struggle...how can one really keep the faith and keep believing after that?

I'll let my sister Melissa answer that one for you...

She wrote this the next day after a pretty bad scare related to her lymphoma, during which she was rushed to the hospital by ambulance.

This is what she wrote on her blog:

"I am resting in knowing that our God does not change. Although the circumstances of my life have changed, He is the same today as He was seven months ago when this storm began. I trust Him today with my whole heart, and I am believing that He is going to carry me through this. "

PLEASE PRAY NOW

2008-10-22T15:47:00.000-07:00

My sister Missy is an ambulance on her way to the hospital as we speak. She was coughing up blood and called 911

Please pray for her!!!!!

Visit her blog!

10 Months, Sweet Baby

2008-10-20T19:16:00.000-07:00

It's hard to believe...

Today our sweet baby Tyler Michael would have been 10 months old.

Sometimes it feels like it was years ago when we saw him last, but then when I close my eyes, I can remember him so clearly. I can remember standing over his little bed and studying everything about him. Down to his cute little toes. I loved watching him wiggle and raise his little hand, and then I loved lowering my finger to his hand so he would grip on. These and so many more are memories tucked into my heart forever.

It's amazing how we can miss so much about him; we only knew him for that short time.

I remember shortly after the funeral, smelling his hospital blanket...and somehow I could still smell him. I held it to my face and sobbed. I remember feeling that the overwhelming, sick feeling was never going to go away. Everyone told me that with time, it would get better. At that moment, I didn't want that. I didn't want his sweet memory to grow distant, to get fainter. I wanted everything about him to be so fresh on my mind.

But it's true...the days and months have taken us further physically from those precious times. I close my eyes and it takes me a little while longer to remember the details. But they still come back to me...further from my mind, but not from my heart. And though there may be tears, my heart smiles now when I think of him.

My Sweet Baby Boy~ Even after 10 months, we could not be more proud of a baby. You were perfect in every way. But Tyler, now you are even more perfect...perfectly whole and well in heaven. I've seen you in my mind many times and what age I imagine you to be... I imagine you being 8 or 9 and running, playing... Daddy and I pray that God lets you know how much we love you, our sweet boy.

You decide...

2008-10-02T19:16:00.000-07:00

Look carefully at these pictures, for they are not pictures I share casually.

Are they pictures of a baby? Of course they are.

See how he grips my finger.

Even at only 25 weeks gestation.

Imagine his soft cries instantly being calmed when he heard his mommy's voice speak to him during his first days. My proudest, happiest moment. He knew me. And often in his first few days, he would stretch his little hand up as I spoke.

Only 25 weeks gestation, but a baby that knew his mommy and daddy and clung to us as much as he could.

So is it my right to unnecessarily kill him while he lies there?

No, that would be called murder, and I would be in jail right now.

But if I kill him while he's still within, or partially within, the safety of my body, then that is okay?? Really?

I have had this opinion long before I ever had the blessing of meeting my baby boy. Whatever you do, don't fool yourself by thinking my strong opinion stems from the traumatic loss of my child. However, I am now one of many who has come face to face with such a little one...a baby that came before their due time. I saw how he was virtually breathing on his own his first couple of days. I saw how he was a normal baby, just minus a few pounds.

And he was born during my second trimester.

Think about it. Look at the facts for yourselves and see the ways abortions are performed. And that's a woman's right, really? If you agree with that, do you have any idea how these are performed and to what age they will perform them to?? They could potentially be performed through third trimester.

Forget passionate opinions. I read the straight facts myself from the American Pregnancy Association website. I wanted to read the unbiased material of how abortions are performed, and it was enough to make me sick.

Knowing people call that a woman's right.... Does the baby have any rights? No, they wouldn't, because they are silent and dependant on the protection from the one carrying them.

I noticed that they often just referred to the baby as "pregnancy tissue." Call me crazy, but my pregnancy tissue comes really close to resembling a baby.

Look at the pictures of Tyler yourself, and tell me if that is simply a fetus, pregnancy tissue. How does its location determine whether it is a valid life, worth saving or obviously worth killing?

I don't understand how we have become so desensitized to this whole concept that we easily refer to it as a woman's rights, and close the discussion.

I believe in women's rights, trust me. But this one does not qualify.

I won't bother describing in detail the many ways the lives of these living, dependant babies are ended. You read and find out for yourself.

American Pregnancy Association

If you are pro-choice, and you decided against reading the above unbiased information, I don't mean this harshly, but please ask yourself why.

Keep whatever opinions you want. But whenever you talk about our women's rights, I hope you remember these pictures. Remember the bond you see happening even at 25 weeks and remember...

He was a baby.

Peace in the Storm

2008-10-01T18:11:00.000-07:00

Please read the update about my sister and, if you are willing, pray for her and her family--

www.danceintherainmelissa.blogspot.com

It seems my family's boat is rocking some more...but I have to say that I have such an incredible peace in my heart right now. I mentioned it in the previous post below, that being a Christian doesn't mean that you are shielded from crap happening in your life. It just means that you have handed to you such amazing peace that you cannot even describe...peace filling the spaces where anger and bitterness could easily take over instead. And this is peace that I cannot take an ounce of credit for.

We would appreciate your prayers for her right now... prayers for rest for her and Doug, and for the kids to have a sense of normalcy and security through this all.

"And the peace of God, which passes all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Him." ~Philipians 4:7

Open the Eyes of My Heart

2008-09-27T13:08:00.000-07:00

I recently emailed an out-of-state friend, just to vent to her about how it's so tiring for life to be so hard all the time. She emailed me back, and it was just exactly what I needed to hear.

Sometimes as Christians, we feel like we can't admit the times along the way when it's really hard to believe there's a plan for all this. At least it's hard for me to admit that. I can tell anyone when I'm struggling with life...I've never had a problem being open. But what's hard is saying that I have a hard time believing and trusting God through all this. I debated about even sharing this, as I don't want it to be used to tear down someone's faith, or solidify someone's beliefs who doesn't believe there's even a God in the first place. But, I've realized I want to be open about it. This is real life, and the journey of a Christian who's clinging to what she does believe in her heart.... Things aren't always easy on this road of life. I guess that's why we're human, and God is our loving heavenly Father. There will be times that I stumble and fall, and that can get pretty overwhelming when that becomes all I focus on.

Last Sunday at church, they sang "Open the eyes of my heart, Lord..." When I'm looking around with just my eyes, I see disappointment. I see major loss. I see what my arms should be holding. I see daily struggles that can just weigh one down until they feel like they're drowning in it. It's so easy for the eyes of our hearts to become closed due to bitterness, doubt and anger. But as I sang that song last Sunday, I felt the eyes of my heart open again. Eyes that can see more and further and a much bigger picture than my physical eyes can see. I felt a little glimmer of peace again. It's so easy to get caught up in the little disappointments and the BIG ones, and not remember that He is working all things together for good.

And that's what helps me deal with the anger and the doubt.

My friend that I emailed said that when we go though times in our life when we have doubt, that God sends us people that will help to carry our faith for us...until we can step back up and believe again. How blessed I am to have friends like that. Thank you, my sweet friend Debbie, and my friends here in Pa that have done that for me. Thank you for not only thinking of me, but for standing by us and praying for us every step of the way. Those prayers will be working in our lives for a long time.

I was thinking during that church service how we were never promised that bad things would not happen to us. But we are promised that God will help to carry us through every trouble. We are promised peace in the storm. I pray that the eyes to my heart stay open to see the bigger picture. I pray that all of this is used to make me stronger than I ever was before.

"Be confident in this, that He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it." Phil. 1:6

Please read...

2008-09-07T20:17:00.000-07:00

a message from my sister...

www.danceintherainmelissa.blogspot.com

My Sister

2008-08-19T19:35:00.000-07:00

It really doesn't matter in the long run if I ever see those necklaces again or not. I'm instantly reminded of more important things after talking with my bro-in-law Doug tonight. Today, my sister went to the cancer center in Indy as opposed to the one in her previous hometown in Dayton. The new cancer center rearranged the order of the medicine during this treatment, making her more nauseous then she's ever been. She's been vomiting since then, and I hope she's able to sleep now.

If you are willing, please pray for her. It's hard to see someone you love go through this. I wish I could still help her, but I am thankful that she has a friend with her helping with her family right now.

A Downhill-Only Roller Coaster

2008-08-18T20:25:00.000-07:00

You know, usually the good thing about life being a roller coaster ride is that it's equally full of the good and bad moments. That would be why right now, at this moment in time, I'm comparing my life (lately) to what feels like a roller coaster that doesn't seem to know how to go back up.

I don't blog to get pity or sypmathy, and I definitely do appreciate true care and concern. I'm a pretty straight shooter with explaining how I feel, so I'm not going to stop being honest now.

I'm really asking lately...why is all this crap happening to me??? Is there really a plan to all this?

Let me re-cap for you, and again, NOT trying to get pity here...

* Lost my baby boy in December.
* Student died in February.
* Sister diagnosed with Lymphoma in April.
* Dad continues to have Parkinson-like illness that remains undiagnosable, therefore
untreatable.
* While leaving Indy last week, found out my dad fell and shattered his upper arm,
requiring surgery. (Yes, the fall could have been worse.)
* While staying overnight with my dad in the hospital, my car gets broken into in the
parking lot. (Sure, kick me while I'm down.)

And wait, it gets even better--

* Didn't care much about most of the stolen items, but was devastated to see that
they stole a necklace my sister Miss gave me for my birthday. It had Tyler's
name etched on the silver pendant and the word "miracle" on the back. They also
took my mustard seed necklace that a friend gave to me in December. I'm not a
diamonds and pearls kind of girl, but those things meant a lot to me.

So, I can feel my boat rocking a lot, and I'm asking questions now... Is there any purpose to all of this? No, I'm not forever turning bitter, I'm just being honest.

I've trusted God's plan through all this, and sometimes it's just down-right scarey to think of what He may have planned next. Sometimes, I do feel like a walking target. No, I don't feel like this all the time...most of the time I know that there is purpose to it all, and I remind myself of my verse-- Jeremiah 29:11.

But right now, I'm just tired. I felt beaten down over the weekend and I'm still feeling it somewhat now. I don't have an inspiration-filled post, just an honest one.

I'm ready for the roller coaster to go up.

And I want my necklaces back, you little redneck jerk.

My Love

2008-08-18T18:22:00.000-07:00

Too much to say for a miniscule post on my blog, but I will say this...

I am so thankful for a husband who supported me in spending the last 5 weeks away from him, as I helped my sister. Even though saying goodbye was painful, he never doubted that that was where I needed to be.

And I am even more thankful to be back with him now.

Life With My Sister

2008-08-01T11:43:00.000-07:00

Since I'm with my sister in Ohio right now, most of my posting will be on her blog-- www.danceintherainmelissa.blogspot.com. I do have several things though that I want to write and post about here, so that will be coming hopefully soon.

For now, I'll leave you with this--

Aunt Jenn + pulling sister's kids in wagon + 5 mile walk to lake + 95 degrees (for real) = NOT GOOD

Fun times!

In Christ Alone by Geoff Moore

2008-07-14T21:43:00.000-07:00

Someone just passed on this song to me...I love it.

These words are from the first verse--

"This cornerstone, this solid ground,
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease!"

What amazing peace we can have when we set aside our own fears and strivings! When we let him pull us out of the raging waters, out of the fiercest storm. Why is it sometimes I refuse to be pulled out, so I stay in those raging waters? But when I do pray to be raised out of the storm, that's what the power of Christ can do. I'm on the cornerstone, feet firmly planted. I can still see the raging waters and feel the winds on my face, but I'm no longer drowning... (Of course, sometimes I do fall back in the water... a lot.)

More words from the song...

"No guilt in life, no fear in death—
This is the pow'r of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath,
Jesus commands my destiny."

I used to struggle with a lot of guilt about Tyler's death. It was my faulty body that gave out on him. Of course, I didn't choose to do it...I know that. But try telling that to a mother who's looking at her newborn baby...a newborn baby who was perfectly healthy until his mommy's body would no longer keep him in. I remember the nurses were so sweet talking to me about this, as I was really having a hard time seeing him for the first time. So much healing has happened with this, only through the power of Christ...

Before losing Tyler, I used to have a huge fear of death. I can't explain how irrational it was. My fear has been that I or Mike would die in a car accident. I have no fear anymore. Mike and I held Tyler as he took his final breaths. All in the same moment, we felt incurable pain, uncontrollable tears, then the silence of peace. I remember feeling peace in that room. And I feel it again when I close my eyes and remember being there in that moment with our son. Now, I said I have no more fear of death...but I definitely don't have a death wish either! I have a lot of living to do, but it will be living without the fear of things that once bound me. I am thankful for the life of Tyler and the time with him as he passed away that taught me this! I am thankful for that time.

Untouched

2008-07-11T00:13:00.000-07:00

(First of all, I have to say that Mike's face is really not twice the size of mine as it appears. That's what happens when you're the one standing closer to the wide angle lens. Just trust me on this one.)

The other day I found myself staring at this photo on my fridge. Mike walked in and looked at me strangely, then I laughed and realized how odd I looked...seemingly entranced by my refrigerator door.

I was really staring at this picture though. This photo of me and Mike was taken several years ago. We had been married for probably 3 years, but had no idea of any future fertility issues.

What drew me in was noticing how untouched by life we seemed to be in this picture-- just pure joy, giddy love, and carefree spirits. How quickly we can so be robbed of those things by life's struggles and challenges. I know we all face them. I feel I will only be forever robbed of those things IF I allow it to happen.

It's definitely not a one-time decision to not let this happen. Sometimes I have to decide every day that I won't let my situation forever rob me of my own life and of loving life. It's just like asking God for help and for peace. That's not a one-time deal either. I ask again and again. I definitely can't do it on my own.

So would I return to the day of that picture if I could to replace life now? Honestly? No way.

I've learned too much from all this. Learned to not take sooo many things for granted that I have before. Learned that we may not always get what we pray for...but that's still an answer...an answer we may understand in our lifetime, but maybe not. I've learned that our God is really not this vindictive thing that just zaps people left and right. He sees more and knows more than our human minds can understand.

And more importantly, I've gained too much from this whole situation. We gained Tyler and the memories of those six, glorious days. These struggles usually make or break a marriage, and I'm so thankful that it's made mine and brought Mike and me so much closer. Words can't even explain how awesome he's been through all this, but that's probably another post for another time...

These are things that I wouldn't trade for anything...not even for being "untouched" again.

Tyler's Journal

2008-07-06T12:49:00.000-07:00

I'm still piecing together Tyler's scrapbook. I decided to add a few journal entries (from my pregnancy journal) into the scrapbook also. I've kept this one close in my heart for months now, but finally decided to share it now. I only dated it as December 2007 at the time, leaving a blank for the day, but never went back to fill it in.

December 2007

Sweet Baby,

I just wanted to say that
I love to feel you move.
Daddy says I'm lucky that I
get to feel you move often.
He'll be so excited to feel you
move too. He thought he felt
you move around 17 weeks,
but he wasn't sure.

Many times, I'll be wondering
if you are okay--when I've
not felt you move for a little
while. Right at those moments,
you give me just a little kick
or thump, as if to say--

"It's okay, Mommy.
I'm fine and
I'll see you soon."

Of course I didn't know it at the time, but this would be my last journal entry written while I was still pregnant. Little did I know, in just a few days I would be seeing my sweet baby way sooner than I had ever hoped or expected. How I miss those little kicks of my precious baby...

Grief

2008-07-03T21:56:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I get the impression that there is a theory floating out there that believes that there comes a time when you "get over it." You let go of the memory and move on. You quit talking about it. You stop wondering, questioning certain things, and wishing for a different end to the story. But truthfully, that's not how it works.

Acceptance really is not a one-time deal, at least not for me in my situation. Each day I accept that this is where we are now. Yes, I wish he were here, but he's not. I have to accept that... again and again.

At the beach recently, we all went out for dinner one night. As we were walking around, I was well aware that there should have been a stroller in front of me. But there wasn't.

There is some healing that comes from being able to say-- "This is where we are now." Acceptance, over and over again. But hopefully, the days that I remind myself to accept will space further and further apart.

Thankfully, the questioning is not overtaking my days anymore, and the wishing does not leave me sobbing every time as it once did. From the start, we prayed that we would remember our sweet baby with joy someday and less pain...and we've been getting there.

Every grieving person, no matter the situation, deserves the unconditional permission to process and deal with their own unexplainable loss. Grief is one of those things that doesn't come with a neat, little instruction manual...

but it does come with a God who is willing to carry you through it.

So I Might Get a Tattoo...

2008-07-02T20:23:00.000-07:00

Yeah, you heard me.

Those of you who think you know me may be surprised right now...

No, I'm not thinking about getting the rose or butterfly on the ankle (although I thought about those in high school/early college, and I'm SO glad I didn't as they are slightly overused.)

What I'm considering has deep meaning to me. I'm sure you'll understand--

A pair of tiny footprints, actually copied from Tyler's birth certificate, etched on my chest right over my heart.

I've already talked to Mike. He's good with it and might do it too.

Tattoo or not, though, he will be on and in my heart forever.

My Sister's Update

2008-06-25T18:40:00.000-07:00

Please go to my sister's blog to see her good news! Thanks for your prayers for her!!!

www.danceintherainmelissa.blogspot.com

My Sister

2008-06-22T15:54:00.000-07:00

After more spots were found on her lung recently, Missy will be having another PET scan this Friday morning at 9:00 am. Please pray that the doctors will be able to identify these spots and that they won't interfere with her progress! THANK YOU!

I'm not sure when we'll get results...possibly Monday.

www.danceintherainmelissa.blogspot.com

Encouraging Message

2008-06-18T20:31:00.000-07:00

Do you need peace in your life? Feel like you need to know God more than you do, but somehow you doubt...you fear...you can't let go of your own ideas. I have been there. I've done all those things, and trust me, nothing feels sweeter than letting go of my fears that are surrounding me and trusting that there's more to it all. Our loving Heavenly Father knows my life, and he is controlling the "Bigger Picture" that I so easily lose sight of.

Please read this...a message written by Pastor Rick Lawrenson of Nags Head Church, North Carolina. He is also the father-in-law of Tricia whom I posted about yesterday. What a great reminder that I needed to hear...

"Human nature is finite as is our natural comprehension of life and all that goes with it. When life throws us curves it is our natural tendency to react with anxiety and fear. That's normal.

This morning I'll sit at a table and peer out over the Atlantic Ocean. A relatively few miles away will be the extent of my ability to see. The horizon in my sight is the limit. But I know that the ocean goes much farther to my east - all the way to other lands in Europe and Africa. I just can't see them. It was that limited vision that brought our forefathers to the conclusion that the earth was flat, and that if you ever hit that edge of the world you would fall off.

How silly is that theory to us today? But it was a real, natural conclusion because of their limited sight and experience. Then one day a "new world" was discovered and the fear of falling from a flat earth was vanquished by new vision and the experience of standing on a previously unseen soil.

How is it that Nathan and Tricia can hear the words "cancer" and "lymphoma" and not have their spirits plummet into angst? When people ask me and I tell them and then say, "But this is just a bump in their road", they look at me like I'm nuts. It's the "C word for Pete's sake!".

That depends on the size of your picture; on whether or not you think the boundaries of your ability to see are the edge of your world or that there are new worlds to discover. Tricia and Nathan's picture has been greatly enlarged by two factors: faith and experience. They've gone over the horizon more than once, trusting in Someone whose vision is infinite to lead them. And they've discovered that however fearful that next step may be, there is a new world beyond what they can see.

Don't let the horizons in your sight fool you. Hoist the sails, take the risks and turn over the wheel to the Pilot who sees eternally.

The picture is bigger than you think."

*Copied with permission from the website of Rick Lawrenson (www.nagsheader.blogspot.com)

Tricia Lawrenson

2008-06-18T18:20:00.000-07:00

This couple has inspired me tremendously... and they are in need of your prayers now. The day I came home from the hospital after losing Tyler, I came across the blog of Nathan Lawrenson. His wife, Tricia has cystic fibrosis. She was on her way to receiving her potentially life-saving double lung transplant when she found out she was pregnant. She was able to carry their baby girl to 23 weeks when surgery became necessary to save both the baby and Tricia. Their baby Gwyneth has thrived and is out of the NICU now, and Tricia received her double lung transplant. However, now Tricia is experiencing PTLD (post transplant lymphoma disorder), something very common to transplant patients. I'm not sure yet of her prognosis, and she just started her chemo treatments today for her cancer. This couple has inspired me to put my faith into action and to trust God no matter the circumstances going on in my life. Please pray for them right now... and if you need some inspiration in your own life, check it out...

www.cfhusband.blogspot.com

Father's Day...A Reflection

2008-06-16T21:45:00.000-07:00

I'll admit it, folks. I was dreading it.

More than I was dreading Mother's Day for myself.

As most people, I'd rather not see someone I love with their heart hurting. I just hoped and prayed it would not be too sad for Mike. Oh...Father's Day happened to fall on his birthday too this year. Did I mention that? Double whammy. It actually turned out to be a pretty good day after all. There were so many times though, that I couldn't help but imagine what this day would have been like... Mike having his first Father's Day and birthday while showing off our baby boy. It could have been so different, but this is how it is now. Acceptance of all this has filled us. We prayed for God's peace in our lives, and we got it. It's not peace that everything will always be fine and dandy, but it's peace knowing that we will make it through.

Let me tell you, Mike was an awesome father in his 6 days. So proud to be a Daddy! I'll never forget waking up after my C-section, groggy and blurry-eyed, to a photo of our beautiful boy that Mike was holding for me to see. The memory of Mike reading Tyler his first story...I wish I had gotten video footage of it, but it's forever engrained in my memory. "I'll love you to the moon and back," Mike said. And somehow I knew, as I watched in tears, that that was the only time we would get to read that story to our son. But ohhh so much joy.... smiles that come to our faces even now as we remember those times.

I'm grateful for some of the random friends at church Sunday that wished Mike a happy father's day. That meant a lot to him. We understand that most of the time, people don't know what to say...and that's okay too. Trust me, we've been on that side of things before too. To us though, Tyler will always be a part of our family. Yes, we've been able to let go of some of the pain that once overwhelmed us. But that doesn't mean that we let go of Baby Ty, of the fact that we are his Mommy and Daddy...that will always be. Time moves forward and takes us and life to new things, but this will always be.

And Mike will always be the greatest Daddy I've ever seen.

New Blog for Melissa!

2008-06-13T14:30:00.000-07:00

I felt like I wasn't doing my sister justice, just posting a snippet for her every now and then on this blog. So, she now has her own blog that I'll be running for her. I'm excited about this, because I really hope that each and every comment will be a source of encouragement for her. And it will be a good way to keep everyone updated on her progress. Please check it out, and feel free to drop her a word, even if you just want to say hi!

Hope it can give even a glimpse of the awesome person she is!

http://www.danceintherainmelissa.blogspot.com/

Since Her Last Chemo Treatment...

2008-05-31T13:19:00.000-07:00

...she is still doing well!! I actually travelled out to be with her for a few days after her last chemo treatment. She is doing SOOO well though! I 'fessed up when I saw her that I was expecting her to be frail and not as energetic, but she really is the opposite. She is going strong, running out to do some errands today. She is taking streroids, and that helps with her energy level. I'm so happy to see that the chemo has not made her really sick yet. Now I am really praying that the chemo will be doing its job and will get rid of the lymphoma. She will be having a test in a couple weeks to see if the lymphoma is responding to the chemo or not.

Another thing... have I mentioned that she shaved her head?? She's SO brave. Her hair had begun falling out, and she didn't want to wait for it to just fall out completely, so she buzzed it off completely. She also planned to let the kids help do it too, so it would not be scarey for them. Let me tell you... if one can still look absolutely beautiful with a shaved head... you know they truly are a beautiful person. Somehow, she can pull it off. Have you seen Demi Moore in the movie GI Jane before?? Miss looks way better than her even, with her bright, beautiful, blue eyes.

I just asked her if she'd let me post a picture. She said yes...if we can try to get a good one. I better start taking pictures, so you can see her for yourself!

Chemo... Round Two...Please Pray!!!

2008-05-27T18:14:00.002-07:00

Today my sister had her second round of chemo. She did so incredibly well after her first round. She had a bad headache for a couple days, and had to take some nausea medicine, but she still did very well after that. We are praying that the same thing continues for her this time too. Please join me in praying for that, and more importantly, in praying that this is curing her cancer in the meantime. We would appreciate it so much, and I know Melissa would too!

Sweet Dreams, Little Man

2008-05-12T18:40:00.000-07:00

To help us through our painful times, God gives us what we need when we need it. The evening of the same day that Tyler died, Mike and I crossed paths at the top of our stairs. In that spot is the only view of the sunset from our house. There we stood in awe and in tears, thanking God and Tyler for giving us the most beautiful sunset we have ever seen. We were too overwhelmed to even stop to take a picture... but I'm amazed that right at that moment, our neighbors did take a picture. We found out two weeks later when they brought this picture to our door. This is just as we saw it...no Photoshop color enhancing done here. Maybe someday, I'll get someone to remove the power lines for me, but I love it just like this right now. Untouched by man, this was straight from the Master Artist himself...amazing proof that He plans to comfort us and not to hurt us. Although I didn't then and still don't understand the plan, at that moment I felt my first glimmer of peace in all this.

So maybe this shows how God felt when He received my precious boy...

Maybe it was Tyler's way of telling us not to be sad...

All I know is Mike and I both stood there, thanked God, and said, "We love you too, Tyler."

Sweet Dreams, Little Man....

Memorial Service Tomorrow

2008-05-09T21:45:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow our hospital is having a memorial service for all the babies and children that passed away in 2007. I'm sure our little Tyler's life will be one of many that will be remembered there. Mike and I both admitted tonight that we are dreading it, although we know we need to and want to go to it. In some ways, time has removed some of the pain, but in an instant our hearts can be taken right back to where we were that cold, December day...holding our baby in his last moments...silence deafening...tears falling... love surrounding his little being... the first time and last time we were able to hold him in his six days. Tomorrow we will be back in the town where the hospital was and will be remembering him and thanking God for even our short time with him.

As always... God is good!!!

2008-05-06T17:24:00.001-07:00

I have great news... results from the PET scan are in. Missy's lymphoma sounds like it is pretty well confined to that one area in her chest cavity and her spleen. And add in yesterday's news that it's not in her bone marrow!! I am soooooo thankul about that! Thank you, God, and thank you for your prayers. THANK YOU to you who have taken a moment to comment here about your prayers that are being lifted up for her. She does read this almost daily, so I know she really appreciates the comments and prayes too!!

She said her first chemo treatment went well, and she's definitely glad to have the first session over with. She did not have any adverse reactions to the drugs, which is obviously good. I think she said that she and Doug went to the store right afterward. Now we are praying that the chemo cures the lymphoma, while not making her extremely sick at the same time.

Again, thanks from all of us for your prayers!

Praising God...in all times!

Pray...her chemo starts

2008-05-05T19:49:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow morning at 10 am, my sister will begin her first chemo treatment. I just got off the phone with her, and she said she's really not nervous. She'll just be happy to get this first one over with and out of the way. Please pray that she continues to have peace and not be anxious...or maybe I should ask that you do that for the rest of us, as she seems to be doing fine! Her strength and peace really is contagious for the rest of us. And, we know that God will be the Great Physician taking care of her tomorrow. Thank you for your prayers for her, because obviously they are helping. We appreciate it so much!

Thankfulness... In All Times

2008-05-05T14:33:00.000-07:00

This is a topic I have wanted to write about for some time, and just could not find the words to match my thoughts. Please know this is not meant to sound judgemental at the different ways we all handle stress or sorrow. There is not a wrong way...we each handle things in our own personal ways. This is just a revelation that I have had and wanted to share, and I'm sure that I will be re-reading this post later to remind myself of the truth when I am not quite feeling it myself...

As humans, it is easy for us to proclaim in the happiest of times how good our God is. We hold off our praise until we get the answer we want, then we say, "God is awesome!!" What do we do then when times get rough? Do we cower and run or shake our fists angrily in His face? I have been there. I am all for being honest with God...question him all you want. Get angry. Let him know. He knows our most inward thoughts anyway, so what have we to hide? Of course, pain is not fun...losing a child goes beyond words. Finding out my sister has cancer is beyond shocking and frightening. If Jesus can take the good and the bad in His own life, shouldn't I then too??

It seems that the bad times really are the true test of faith. Again, it doesn't mean that we need to always smile and act cheery as we endure hardship. If I believe that God is awesome when my life seems to go so smoothly and perfectly, then I must believe that He is the same awesome God when the storm is rocking my boat. He does not change although my surrounding circumstances have. So if I am ever quick to shout that my God is so good when the seas are calm and beautiful, I hope I will still shout it as the storm rages on. I can honestly say that my sister Melissa has found the strength to do this right now...as her song is "Praise You in This Storm."

As people around me have their families and live out seemingly perfectly smooth days, I hear some say that they are so blessed. And indeed they are. But sometimes, the blessings from God go beyond the known circumstances that meet the human eye. I may not be receiving the specific blessings I want at the moment I ask for them, but I am still so blessed in so many other ways. Sometimes we become so focused on the blessings we are not getting, only to then miss the blessings that we are receiving.

Even now, as I order my son's gravestone, I too am blessed.

As I pray for my sister's chemo appointment tomorrow, I trust God to take care of her because He IS awesome!

I know God lovingly holds our past and our future, because He is good.

He raises us up from our circumstances, and places us high on that rock...so even though I see storm waves raging, I am not in them. They are all around me, but I'm not drowning. That's when we can lift our heads from sorrow and say--

"Yes, God, even now... we are blessed."

This post is dedicated to my Little Sis, who exemplifies this attitude that I strive for and inspires me to do the same. Love you, Miss.

*I just found out after posting all the above, that my sister's cancer is NOT in her bone marrow! Thank you, God!! Yes, just as you were five minutes ago, you are STILL good!!

Meet My Sister

2008-04-29T20:46:00.000-07:00

Just wanted you all to meet the person you are praying for...

the person I am proud to call my Sister~

This is Missy with her husband Doug,

daughter Lauren,

and son Caleb.

It was taken at Lauren's first birthday party in 2006.

Mom and Missy

Mom's birthday, July '06

Never Underestimate My Jesus

2008-04-28T21:01:00.000-07:00

I really enjoyed a phone conversation I had with my sister tonight--she never ceases to amaze me! She was telling me all about her PET scan experience, including the injecting of the slightly scarey, radioactive element before the scan. The nurse asked her if she could set a radio to a station she would enjoy. Missy asked for a Christian music station that she really enjoys, but to no avail, as there was too much static. The nurse then told her she would probably like a CD that they had available there of a mix of Christian contemporary songs. The nurse set up the CD, helped get Miss comfortable, then left.

Then Missy told me how silly she must have looked from that point on. She said that many songs were so encouraging to her, that she was lying there with a smile on her face for much of the time. She said her favorite was a song she hadn't heard before called "Never Underestimate My Jesus."

Well, Sis, I found it for ya...I hope this is the one. Turn up your speaker because it's playing right now too! Enjoy... love you!

Never Underestimate My Jesus

by Reliant K

Am I at the point of no improvement?

What of the death I still dwell in?

I try to excel, but I feel no movement.

Can I be free of this unreleasable sin?

Never underestimate my Jesus.

You're telling me that there's no hope.

I'm telling you, you're wrong.

Never underestimate my Jesus.

When the world around you crumbles,

he will be strong.He will be strong.

I throw up my hands."Oh, the impossibilities."

Frustrated and tired,where do I go from here?

Now I'm searching for the confidence I've lost so willingly.

Overcoming these obstacles is overcoming my fears.

I think I can't, I think I can't.

But, I think you can, I think you can.

I think I can't, I think I can't.

But, I think you can, I think you can.

Gather my insufficiencies and place them in your hands.

Place them in your hands.

Place them in your hands

Melissa, My Sister

2008-04-24T21:02:00.000-07:00

This post is shared with you with a prayerful heart, with an expectant heart...knowing that our God heals. We found out April 14th that my sister does in fact have lymphoma. She has non-hodgkin's lymphoma, specifically the large b cell type. The grade is intermediate, meaning between low and aggressive. We won't know the stage until she has her PET scan soon. We are hoping that it will be localized in just one area, making it easier to treat. Her chemo treatments are already scheduled for May 6th. I'm planning to take a week from school on May 16 to see her, and I can't wait! Talking on the phone just doesn't cut it right now.

Have I already mentioned how awesome she is?? I know I have...tons of times. She is the strongest one right now out of all of us. In fact, she was concerned about me in how I was doing...knowing how far I am from everything. Can you believe that?? For those of you who know her, I'm sure you can. She's at such peace right now...she describes it as feeling that God is holding her high above the waves below, and she's not lettin' go.

Please...I'm asking all of you right now... pray with me. It doesn't matter if you are a stranger or close friend. Please just pray that the chemo treatments will be completely effective. Please pray that the lymphoma will be in an early stage. Please pray that Missy and Doug will continue to feel themselves tight in His grasp right now. Thanks to any and all of you who are willing to do this!!!

"Hear my cry, Oh God; listen to my prayer.

From the ends of the earth I call to you,

when my heart is overwhelmed...

Lead me to the rock that is higher than I."

Little Sis, God will keep you high on the rock. Sometimes we still feel a splash from a wave, or even one that knocks us down....but our Heavenly Father will pick us back up and keep our feet planted there. And if we look out in the distance past the storm, we can see the sun waiting for us beyond the clouds. I love you!

Hope On...

2008-04-14T19:46:00.000-07:00

"For we were saved in this hope.

But hope that is seen is not hope.

For why does one still hope for what he sees?

But if we hope for what we do not see,

we eagerly wait for it with perseverance."

~Romans 8:24-25

Sisters

2008-04-09T18:35:00.000-07:00

My two best friends in the world are my sisters. In my mind and heart, we three have always been, and we three will always be. Michelle and I are 6 years apart, and Missy and I are almost 2 years apart. There is a special bond that is very unique to sisters. We still tell secrets, and I can trust them with things that I would tell no one else. They have both laughed endlessly with me, cried with me, prayed with me; and while we are blessed with many priceless friendships--it just doesn't compare.

When we were little and were caught bickering or fighting, Dad would make us hug each other. Yep, that's right...we were forced to hug. Little did Dad know that I was pinching Missy's arm really hard where he couldn't see. He would always tell us how one day we could be living far apart from each other, like his own siblings...and that we needed to love each other and our times together. Of course, I wanted to roll my eyes at that. Now, as I'm 8 hours away from Missy and 10 hours away from Michelle, I realize even more what a treasure they both are. Our times together now are that much more awesome, and we don't take those get-togethers for granted. Yes, we've had our moments as all sisters do, but we will always be just that...

Sisters.

Surgery Update

2008-04-09T18:24:00.000-07:00

My sister Melissa came through the surgery really well yesterday. She is a very strong person with an even incredibly stronger faith in God. They did get most of the tumor and sent it to Mayo Clinic for more testing. Please pray that all news will be good. I would sooo appreciate that, and I know she would too. They will find out within 3-7 days... so that would be Friday, at the earliest, or sometime next week. Thank you for your prayers!!

Words of Encouragement

2008-04-06T19:14:00.000-07:00

I heard these verses and this quote this weekend, specifically the night of our due date, and wanted to share them with all of you too. I hope it can bring some comfort and encouragement to anyone out there who may be needing it. It was such great timing for me... they could not have been more perfect for what I needed to hear. May you be blessed by them too.

"We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves, but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and He will deliver us. On Him we have set our hope that He will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many."
~2 Corinthians 1:8-11

"God does not leave us comfortless, but we have to be in dire need of comfort to know the truth of His promise. It is in time of calamity... in days and nights of sorrow and trouble that the presence, the sufficiency, and the sympathy of God grow very sure and very wonderful. Then we find out that the grace of God is sufficient for all our needs, for every problem and for every difficulty, for every broken heart, and for every human sorrow."
~Peter Marshall (1902-1949)

My Sister's Surgery

2008-04-06T19:10:00.000-07:00

My sister Melissa will be having surgery this Tuesday morning to remove the tumor they found. So far the news has been that it's benign, but Mayo wanted more tissue to do more testing. The drs decided that surgery is the best way to go right now. Because the tumor is located between her lung and heart, they will be going in through the sternum... just as they would for open-heart surgery. For those who want to, please pray that it goes well, and that the news continues to be good. Thank you!

*Her surgery is scheduled for 7:30 am tomorrow. I wish so badly I could be there with her, but
she is 8 hours away from me. I love you, Little Miss, and will be praying for you all day!!!

Cherish

2008-03-30T20:07:00.000-07:00

Baby boy,

As we inch closer to your due date this week of April 4th, this is what I will remember and hold onto...

I will forever be thankful that I was able to experience pregnancy... and all of its beautiful moments. How thankful am I that I had the joy of feeling you move for the first time. And even though you somehow always dodged Daddy's hand, Daddy finally felt you move too when we were in the hospital. I am so thankful for the moment when I first heard the most beautiful sound of your beating heart. I am so thankful for the memory of holding Daddy's hand in utter excitement as we saw on the ultrasound that we were expecting a little boy. I am so thankful for every moment of seeing you, touching you, feeling your strong grasp. I am so thankful for the chance to soothe my own crying child. I am so thankful for our sweet and sacred time of holding you as your spirit flew away and went to heaven. Every moment of those six months and six days...

For all of these things, I will ALWAYS be thankful...

and will forever cherish you.

"Before I held you in my arms, I held you in my heart.

That is where you began, and where you will always be."

(author unknown)

Be Inspired By the Lawrenson Family

2008-03-29T20:12:00.000-07:00

Need some major inspiration?
Visit http://www.cfhusband.blogspot.com/. Please pray for this beautiful family...and specifically that Tricia will get the lungs soon that she needs to survive. Their example has encouraged me to trust God more unconditionally, and to know there is a purpose for this place to which He has brought us.

Choosing to Believe

2008-03-29T11:10:00.000-07:00

It's in these times, that my emotions and my fears make it hard to have hope for a future family. That's when I have to make a mental choice... to choose to believe... to choose to have hope. So many people have encouraged me by saying they truly do believe that we will have children again someday. I know God is really the only one that truly knows, but still, I receive strength from that encouragement. Just in the past day, I've heard it a few times... even once from someone who commented here. Someone I don't even know, but I thank you just the same. Thank you all for believing at a time when it is really hard for me to believe that.

He Will Carry Me

2008-03-26T20:12:00.000-07:00

I heard this song today as I was driving the 8 hour trip back from my sister's house. It was good timing for me. If you've also been wounded in the battle, I hope you feel Him carrying you too.

He Will Carry Me (sung by Mark Schultz)

I call, You hear me
I’ve lost it all
And it’s more than I can bear
I feel so empty
You’re strong I’m weary
I’m holdin’ on
But I feel like givin’ in
But still You’re with me

And even though I’m walkin’ through
The valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I’ve been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will ever need
And He will carry me

I know I’m broken
But You alone can mend this heart of mine
You’re always with me

And even though I feel so lonely
Like I’ve never been before
You never said it would be easy
But You said you’d see me through the storm

Is there cereal in heaven?

2008-03-25T18:31:00.000-07:00

So without even intending to, my heart and mind pick right back up where I left off before the health scare with my sister. I've once again become very aware that this is the time that I would be welcoming my little boy home from the hospital. Tonight I was having a major sob moment about it. I was sitting in the bathroom talking with my sister as she cleaned up the "battle debris" of bath time. I tried to tell my sister through the sobs how tired I am of wondering if I will ever have a baby. "It's been years," I said, "and we came so close." (yeah, at this point I try to not even count, but it's been almost 4 years.) At that moment, my little 4-year old nephew Caleb opened the door and came in, soon followed by 2-year old Lauren. They both just looked at me wide-eyed, then we had the following conversation:

Caleb: Wha'd ya do, Aunt Jenn? (Miss and I laughed, realizing it looked like I got in trouble and was put in time out.) Why ya cryin'?

Me: I'm just sad. That's all, Caleb.

Caleb: Why you sad?

Me: Because I miss my baby Tyler. (The kids know all about him from Miss.)

Caleb: Why you miss him?

Me: Because he's in heaven now, and he's not with me. (I'm still trying to stop crying through this conversation at this point.)

Caleb: Tywer (Tyler) will come back to see you though?

Me: No, not anymore, sweetie.

Caleb: But Aunt Jenn, Tywer's with Jesus now?

Me: Yep, he's with Jesus.

Caleb: Oh. Is there cereal in heaven?

Me: Oh, I'm sure there's all kinds of yummy cereal in heaven.

Caleb: Are there wights (lights) in heaven too? (Apparantly he's afraid of the dark these days.)

Me: Yes, there are beautiful lights in heaven.

After that, cute Caleb just nodded, grabbed his toy, and exited the room. My neice, however, stuck around and dabbed at my tears with a washcloth. Too sweet. Oh, to be able to think with the simple mind of a child. Baby "Tywer" is with Jesus... he has cereal and lights, and somehow that was all Caleb needed to know. But for me, at this moment, my heart still gapes open.

Thank you, Caleb and Lauren, for being your cute, sweet selves. Aunt Jenn loves you both.

Good news!

2008-03-25T08:17:00.000-07:00

Mayo Clinic said there's no evidence of cancer cells in the tumor! They do want to do more testing though and will either do another biopsy or surgery. Surgery is not my sister's top choice, as the procedure would be like an open-heart surgery with a big recovery time. Mayo also said that it is acute and chronic inflammation with fibrosis. I think... in other words... there was an infection, inflammation, making the tumor. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers!

Monday's the Day...

2008-03-21T20:53:00.000-07:00

of sadness or celebration--but either way, it will be with complete trust in God. I found out today that we will definitely find out on Monday whether or not my sister's tumor is cancer or not. Again, we would sooo appreciate your prayers about this!! It's the uncertainty and fear of the unknown that is so scarey, and so we place it in the hands of the One who does know. I always have to remind myself the second part we often leave out of trusting is to also do the resting. If we say we do trust God's plan for our lives, then we must hand it completely to Him and not worry about it. Sooooo much easier said than done. Trust and Rest. So I'm telling myself now...Rest in knowing that whatever the answer is, it will somehow be the best thing. But am I still wholeheartedly putting in my request to the Lord?? You bet!

Happy 3-Month Birthday, Sweet Baby

2008-03-20T20:52:00.000-07:00

Baby Boy~

It is hard to believe that it has been 3 whole months since the first time we heard your sweet cry. What we would give to hear that again... but that is selfish on our part, for you are in the best place right now. You are in heaven, and we are here...so very far away from you. But still, we hold you forever in our hearts, where you will always be. And still, we thank God for every precious moment we had with you. You will always be our miracle, Baby Boy.

We love you~ Mommy and Daddy

An Update...My Sister

2008-03-19T21:18:00.000-07:00

I found out that my sister's biopsy was actually sent to Mayo Clinic for diagnosis, so results will not be back until Friday at the earliest and possibly not until next week. The hospital did take a "quick look" at it, and they thought it looked cancer-free, but that is not definite. Also, they were not sure what the mass is at all. Yes, it's all very confusing, I know. If Mayo says it's not cancer, and they still can't identify what it is, then they still have to do surgery on her to look at it and, I believe, remove it at the same time. Here's the tricky part-- the tumor is right between her right lung and her heart. So surgery means basically the same opening-up procedure involved with open-heart surgery. Please pray that news will continue to be that it is not cancer, and that they will be able to identify it so that surgery is not needed. Also, she seems to be in some pain and is very sick and weak from everything.

Again, wish ya knew my sister. Some of you do. Think of the most genuine, most sincere, sweetest, most fun person you've ever met, and that's her. I wish I were half the person she is. She is my mother through and through. My older sister and I usually just laugh and say, "Yep, Miss has that angelic quality that we seem to be missing." All in sisterly fun.

A few moments from this trip that I'll never forget...

* When I first saw Miss in the hospital, she hugged us with that beautiful, sweet smile of hers.
* Seeing her sit up so that she could hold her Baby Audrey for a minute.
* Watching her tonight sing "The Itsy Bitsy Spider" to her.
* Hearing Miss thank little Audrey for that little smile she gave her mommy.
* Knowing that I'd be blessed to be half the awesome mother she is...
* I helped her get into bed tonight. She just seems so sick and frail right now. I wanted to pray with her, so I asked her exactly where the tumor was. She silently raised her hand to
her heart, over slightly to the right. I placed my hand there and prayed--

"Dear Lord, please heal her now. Please take away whatever is wrong, and make her well. God, I love her so much. She is a blessing to us all. Please give us all strength and peace right now..."

Please join me in this prayer... we would appreciate it so much!

Keep Praying for My Sister...

2008-03-18T07:31:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, my sister had an MRI. This basically confirmed that it is a tumor/mass in her chest cavity. She had a biopsy done right after, but unfortunately we won't have those results until sometime Wednesday. We are all waiting very anxiously and are very, very scared. Please keep praying that this is nothing serious. I know she would really appreciate it!

Pray for my Sister

2008-03-16T15:08:00.000-07:00

We don't have much information now, but my parents just called and said that my sister has been taken to the ER. She has pneumonia, but in the chest x-ray they also found a mass on her lung. They're doing a biopsy on it now. Her bloodwork also indicates that she may have a blood clot somewhere. She is my younger sister and is only 31. Please pray for her that they'll find out quickly what it is, and that it will be nothing life threatening after all! She lives 8 hrs from us, so Mike and I are packed and ready to go. I am scared right now. I love her so much, so please pray!

Peace

2008-03-10T20:53:00.000-07:00

I was telling Mike tonight how the ache in my heart is getting bigger again, now that we are quickly inching closer to our due date of April 5th. What else is there to do than to grab on to that peace that God can give us? I know sometimes for me, it comes down to a choice. I can let myself stay forever wallowing in my sorrow, which trust me...I could so easily do sometimes. Or I can CHOOSE to believe that God has a plan and He knows what He's doing. That doesn't mean I don't cry and grieve...I cry a lot! Sometimes all day, and sometimes it's an all-weekender event. But I don't let myself stay there permanently. If I did, I wouldn't be seeing the good and the blessing from my little Tyer's life. That's the road I've got to take. Not just for my own sanity, but for my little boy. Meeting him and having his purity and innocence in my hands inspired me to be the Mommy he needed, and now inspires me to be a better person...to be the person God planned me to be all along.

So about that peace?

I need that peace now. That peace that passes the need to understand any of this. The peace that passes the urge to figure all of this out.

I'm asking you for it, God, and I thank you for giving it to me!

"And the peace of God, which passes all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Him." ~Philipians 4:7

Priceless

2008-03-08T08:14:00.000-08:00

So with tax season coming up, I found myself feeling sick thinking about a tax credit for having our baby in 2007. I asked my husband about it, and as soon as the words were out of my mouth, I just felt guilty. It's a hard thing to explain, but the whole idea of that just made me sick to think about. Get money back for our baby? Our baby that we lost? In a crazy way, it's like putting a price tag on our time with him...

Tax credit= $1,000
Time with Tyler= 6 days
Benefit per day= $167.00

As silly as it all may sound, I can't help but feel like I would rather get no money. It's not like I want a larger amount, I just don't want any at all. No one can pay any amount for that time we had with our precious son. In fact, I would pay a million dollars just to have one day again. One more day to feel that tiny hand clenching my finger. One more day to eagerly get ready to visit him. One more day to see him respond to my voice. One more day just to whisper into his ear, "Mommy loves you, sweet baby." One day to have the chance to hold him before he died. One day just to lay my face against his little belly.

One more day, that's all.

I would give anything.

His Scrapbook

2008-03-03T15:10:00.000-08:00

While I was pregnant, I was going to start a scrapbook about my baby. I'm still planning on doing it, but for so long I just was putting it off. I started it yesterday, and it was painful! Everything is spread out in the guest room...which would have been the nursery. It felt so unreal as I sat in the room working on it. I should have been painting it and picking out cute curtains, not making a memory book of the baby that I lost. It felt so unfair. It was hard to just see everything again... all of his little things. His tiny little diaper. My hospital wristband. His social security card that will never be signed. His birth record with those cute, little footprints. The pictures of our beautiful time together. I let out a good, long cry which always helps me to be able to pick up and keep going with life. That, and knowing that somehow this is not the end... that that emptiness will be filled somday. My guest room will have a crib in it someday, holding our little baby that's waiting to be held by us. I DO believe that!

Purpose

2008-03-01T18:54:00.001-08:00

As you already know, this blog is in memory of my sweet baby and the 6 wonderful days we had with him. At first, I had debated about sharing such personal information with complete and total strangers, but if there is even one person out there that feels encouraged, then the mission of this blog has been accomplished. Secondly, it's also a way for our friends and family to have constant access to updates on how we are doing. I know that doing this will also be therapeutic to me in itself. Sometimes it all just feels like a dream. Lastly, for those who are willing, I'd like to ask for your prayers. We know that someday we will be Mommy and Daddy again...we are just not sure how or when. Please pray that in God's time and in God's way, it will happen again for us. We would appreciate that so much!

It's time!

2008-02-28T11:56:00.001-08:00

I have wanted to start a blog for years now, and I decided it's finally time! I pray that if you are here, reading this, that you feel encouraged in some way. I'm calling this blog "Six Days." If you knew ahead of time that you only had six days with your child, how would you spend it? Pack it full of living, loving, and the things that will mean the most to you in the end. So, this blog will not only tell you about our beautiful son Tyler, but it will also be about life before and after him. We miss him so much, and we will keep his memory forever in our hearts. If you have ever lost a child, I know that ache. There is a plan... one that we may not know, but God does. Hold on and hope on and trust God to take care of the rest...